Sede Vacante

The light is on but no one is home.

Airports suck more at 1am

I’m at the airport, again. But this time at the ungodly hour of midnight, waiting for my crap 1am flight with Cebu Pacific.

I was hungry and knowing that they don’t actually feed you in these budget flights, I got myself a sandwich at the airport concessionaire. It was a dry, cold ham and cheese sandwich. It was crap, which wasn’t a big problem except the bastards charged me 7 dollars for it. Godammit, this is Vietnam. I can get my pipes cleaned for that kind of money. And the little old lady manning the counter didn’t even have the courtesy to give me a reach-over.

Grr… we were supposed to board at 1230pm.  But hey, the plane just arrived, which means its delayed by at least 30 minutes again.



Frustrations at Fatness First

Let me tell you a few things.   I didn’t join a gym / health club because I needed friends.  I didn’t join it to pick up other men or be picked up by them.  Come to think of it, I didn’t even join it to pick up women (although I wouldn’t mind too much getting picked up by them if only they weren’t the overly fat kind that tends to **live** in these places).

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30 days, no nicotine…

So far so good.  It’s been 30 days.  Still no cigarettes.  There were a few close calls though. I was standing outside a 7-11 and I start having that conversation with myself again.  It’s the conversation where one side is telling you that it’s ok, that you’ve won, that you’ve proven that you can quit and that there’s nothing stopping you from lighting one up.  It goes on to tell you that, to truly quit, one must be able to have just one more and still not get sucked in, that you need to test yourself to see if you really are free.  Then it starts getting desperate.  It tells you that no one will ever know.  No one will see.  Just one more.  It can hardly count against a lifetime of not smoking to have just one more.

That conversation again.  I was actually lined up already.  I bought a banana instead.

So if you see some nutbar walking down the street with a lit banana in his mouth, say hello numbnuts, welcome to my world.

Over the edge

It’s happened.  Finally.  I’ve snapped.  It’s like a roller coaster.  You creep up to the edge of the first drop, you hold your breath and wait for it.  When you tip over, it’s terrifying and glorious all at the same time.  It’s not much different from waking up one morning crying and realizing that you’re as good as dead and the only thing left to do is live.  It’s been a long time coming.  It feels like… coming home.

Like a roller coaster, there’s no stopping this now.  I’ve got to ride this out.  See where it takes me this time around.

I’ve got nothing left.  Nothing left that I’m not willing to burn away.  Yes, even love and friendship.  Simply because I know the fire only tempers these things.  I don’t do it for the sake of testing my relationships.  It’s just something that I need to go through.  I know it is just as testing for everyone else who cares as it is for me.

I’m irritable.  Impatient.  I’m also very sorry.  To a lot of people.  You’ll just have to understand.  This is something I need to do.  I need to find a place where I can be happy with myself.  Previously, I was comfortable with myself.  And that was a dangerous thing.  When you’re comfortable, you’re complacent.  You cease to grow.  You start to decay.  I don’t want any of that.

To the people I love, you guys already know me.  I’ll be back.  Eventually.  Keep a spot on the table for me, and light a joint in my name. 🙂  You guys can’t watch.  That’s part of the magic.  Even caterpillars hide in their chrysalis.  And yes, I just want to be a beautiful butterfly.

There are no windmills in Vietnam

So why VN?  Hahah… it’s business. Or in my case, pride. I’m not stuck here because of a sense of duty or a desire to keep my job. I really do want to see this company fly. Failure blows, and so long as there is someone willing to keep trying, I’m staying. It’s just sad that we made so many mistakes along the way with these guys.

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The third day is over…

Other than a not-so unexpected weight gain of about a kilo over the weekend, things are quite manageable as far as the nicotine withdrawal goes.  Physically, other than an upset stomach over the weekend, there really wasn’t much drama to it.  What’s more difficult is breaking the sheer habit of lighting up, and not having something to do when you’ve got nothing to do.

If you watched Trainspotting, psychologically, I’m right about at the part where the dead baby starts crawling on the ceiling….

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Weight Loss 101: Intake

This article is really an oversimplified rendering of everything I’ve had to learn (the hard way) in order to try get a grip on my weight.  It’s a battle that never really stops.  At the start of 1996, I was a hefty 86kg (190lbs).  By the end of 1997, I was down to a trim 56kg (115lbs).  I kept that weight until I got married in November of 2000.  By 2005, I was pushing 90kg (200lbs).   After two years of World of Warcraft, I found myself in Vietnam at a jiggly 110kg (242lbs).

At the time of this writing, after a glorious attack of insanity, I’m back down to 89kg (196lbs).  I’m planning to hit a healthier weight of roughly 60kg (132lbs) by the end of October.  At least that’s the plan.

This is part one of an expected 3 to 4 part series.  This part covers intake–essentially what you put into your gullet and how.  The entire article (quite long) is on the next page.

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