Sede Vacante

The light is on but no one is home.

Over the edge

It’s happened.  Finally.  I’ve snapped.  It’s like a roller coaster.  You creep up to the edge of the first drop, you hold your breath and wait for it.  When you tip over, it’s terrifying and glorious all at the same time.  It’s not much different from waking up one morning crying and realizing that you’re as good as dead and the only thing left to do is live.  It’s been a long time coming.  It feels like… coming home.

Like a roller coaster, there’s no stopping this now.  I’ve got to ride this out.  See where it takes me this time around.

I’ve got nothing left.  Nothing left that I’m not willing to burn away.  Yes, even love and friendship.  Simply because I know the fire only tempers these things.  I don’t do it for the sake of testing my relationships.  It’s just something that I need to go through.  I know it is just as testing for everyone else who cares as it is for me.

I’m irritable.  Impatient.  I’m also very sorry.  To a lot of people.  You’ll just have to understand.  This is something I need to do.  I need to find a place where I can be happy with myself.  Previously, I was comfortable with myself.  And that was a dangerous thing.  When you’re comfortable, you’re complacent.  You cease to grow.  You start to decay.  I don’t want any of that.

To the people I love, you guys already know me.  I’ll be back.  Eventually.  Keep a spot on the table for me, and light a joint in my name. 🙂  You guys can’t watch.  That’s part of the magic.  Even caterpillars hide in their chrysalis.  And yes, I just want to be a beautiful butterfly.


1 Comment»

  Frances wrote @

Heya, TJ, are you okay? What’s happening? Even your Facebook status is worrying. Call! Email! Text! =D

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