Sede Vacante

The light is on but no one is home.

Archive for August, 2008

30 days, no nicotine…

So far so good.  It’s been 30 days.  Still no cigarettes.  There were a few close calls though. I was standing outside a 7-11 and I start having that conversation with myself again.  It’s the conversation where one side is telling you that it’s ok, that you’ve won, that you’ve proven that you can quit and that there’s nothing stopping you from lighting one up.  It goes on to tell you that, to truly quit, one must be able to have just one more and still not get sucked in, that you need to test yourself to see if you really are free.  Then it starts getting desperate.  It tells you that no one will ever know.  No one will see.  Just one more.  It can hardly count against a lifetime of not smoking to have just one more.

That conversation again.  I was actually lined up already.  I bought a banana instead.

So if you see some nutbar walking down the street with a lit banana in his mouth, say hello numbnuts, welcome to my world.


Over the edge

It’s happened.  Finally.  I’ve snapped.  It’s like a roller coaster.  You creep up to the edge of the first drop, you hold your breath and wait for it.  When you tip over, it’s terrifying and glorious all at the same time.  It’s not much different from waking up one morning crying and realizing that you’re as good as dead and the only thing left to do is live.  It’s been a long time coming.  It feels like… coming home.

Like a roller coaster, there’s no stopping this now.  I’ve got to ride this out.  See where it takes me this time around.

I’ve got nothing left.  Nothing left that I’m not willing to burn away.  Yes, even love and friendship.  Simply because I know the fire only tempers these things.  I don’t do it for the sake of testing my relationships.  It’s just something that I need to go through.  I know it is just as testing for everyone else who cares as it is for me.

I’m irritable.  Impatient.  I’m also very sorry.  To a lot of people.  You’ll just have to understand.  This is something I need to do.  I need to find a place where I can be happy with myself.  Previously, I was comfortable with myself.  And that was a dangerous thing.  When you’re comfortable, you’re complacent.  You cease to grow.  You start to decay.  I don’t want any of that.

To the people I love, you guys already know me.  I’ll be back.  Eventually.  Keep a spot on the table for me, and light a joint in my name. 🙂  You guys can’t watch.  That’s part of the magic.  Even caterpillars hide in their chrysalis.  And yes, I just want to be a beautiful butterfly.