Sede Vacante

The light is on but no one is home.

Insanity Beckons


Going insane.

It’s happening again. I admit, this is the longest spell of normalcy (or is it complacency?) that I’ve ever endured. Like the previous bouts, the strongest driver of this change is disgust. I’m disgusted with myself again. Sick of what I’ve become. Just the other night, someone asked me how I can possibly consider myself a failure considering what I’ve been able to do. Well, it’s simple really, if you’re not yet happy, then you’ve failed. There is no further discussion.

And so, like the Nietzschean drama that has been the story of my life, I find myself back where I began–complacent with the things around me, and disgusted at the things inside me. The dialectic continues, life goes on, but the actors change their roles, appearance, and motivations. Tyrants become slaves, lovers become strangers, and of course, the steadfast become chaotic and unstable.

A strangely enchanting girl once told me that a change of hairstyle usually marks a more profound inner change. I guess she must be right. At least there are some changes that I don’t will on my own. My hair is well on its way to leaving me forever. Perhaps its my last chance to finally let it touch my back and whip in the wind.

In terms of changes, I think that’s going to be the simplest and the least traumatic.

Don’t worry, I’ve done this all before. More than once. And I’d like to think that each molting has left me stronger, and wiser. Of course, each one also almost killed me. But we’re all going to die anyway–one thing that thankfully will never change.

(I know that I promised somewhere that this blog would never regress into some sort of journal of my pathetic unremarkable life. But Ronnie made me break that rule. It’s all your fault, dear.)

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3 Comments»

  Ronnie wrote @

Strangely, your molting comes at the heels of my communication with you. The timing seems almost cosmic, as I’m going through some version of the same thing. And although I’m not about to shear my hair off once again, I am craving change. BIG CHANGE.

I’ve started running again (it’s been almost a year since I’ve run outdoors and it kills me everytime I’m out there now), and I’m signing up for sailing lessons. You’re right – this shouldn’t be about our psychoses. Just wanted you to know that someone halfway across the world is going through similar upheaval.

Love love love you!!!
V

  The Pope wrote @

Hi dear, you don’t know the half of it… I’m terrified, to tell you the truth. But then again, what is there really to fear other than change? Death, after all is a pointless thing to fear–we’ll all have to hit the dirt sometime.

I’m not really after big change. It just comes of its own accord, like the death of a loved one, or the loss of my hair. No, I’m just trying to minimize the collateral damage this time.

Perhaps I have grown a little wiser, or perhaps cognizant that the number of friends that I have left over the years have grown fewer rather than greater.

You don’t have to rush headlong into it, I think. But fools like us are drawn to it like moths to a flame. I love you, too, Rons. Or V, or whatever the fuck it is you call yourself now. Point is, I always have in my own sick and masochistic way.

But you knew that.

  Weight Loss 101: Intake « Sede Vacante wrote @

[…] the time of this writing, after a glorious attack of insanity, I’m back down to 89kg (196lbs).  I’m planning to hit a healthier weight of roughly […]


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