Sede Vacante

The light is on but no one is home.

Dear Ronnie–


I just got your comment. I apologize. No, dropping off the face of the earth is no excuse. Alot of names are missing from that list, not the least of which is yours. No, I didn’t forget you. I just found it difficult to write down names that bring back feelings that are at best bittersweet and at worst frustrating and painful. But you’re right, you ARE and forever will be one of my best and closest friends.

Perhaps it’s because I burn bridges too quickly, and regret it far too slowly. And for that I’m so deeply sorry. Of all the people I could hurt this way, it would be the most unfair to you.

The fault is mine of course, not yours. I guess I am guilty of the same sin I am quick to accuse many of my friends–an unwillingness to accept change in other people. I guess I wouldn’t be quite me if I didn’t have the arrogance to think that I *truly* know the people I call friends.

Ultimately, what I’m saying is that I miss you, dear. I mean the Ronnie who spent an unholy amount of time with a fat insecure kid just trying too hard to not become who he thought his father was. I guess time and distance can be cruel. I still know you the way you were back then. And a small greedy part of me just wants you to stay exactly as you were back then.

I guess that means I’m also admitting that despite all this time, I’m still fat. Yes, I know it’s hard to believe…

There. Just when you laughed. That’s the Ronnie I know and miss. Where have you been, kiddo?

Once again, I’m so deeply sorry, love. There, perhaps this is slightly better. I know it’s not exactly the same thing… but it’s a start and a challenge. For both of us. 🙂

*TJ

Advertisements

3 Comments»

  Ronnie wrote @

Oh, Teej!

Not seeing my name on the list broke my heart. It felt as though a cornerstone of my being was yanked away without warning. Spent the better part of the evening questioning how I stood with the rest of the rare few whom I consider my anchors, wondering what it was I’ve hung on to for almost 2 decades.

This jolt in the gut made me realize how completely wrapped up in myself I’ve been all these years. And this was possibly the only way to remind me that I have not been the friend I should have been to you (and some others) for a long long time.

Time and distance have not done much to change my core. Still running from my demons, although with a bit more purpose – a life to nurture, one so innocent, pure and significant, she may be my ultimate salvation from the train wreck that is me.

But through it all, you have and always will be considered one of the “people ultimately responsible” – not for the fucked up baggage in my brain, but for how I’ve managed to grow in spite of the load.

I love you, Teej. And I love that you have a cat and The Mouse and a house. It all seems so grown up, but in my head, we’re all still just a bunch of kids trying to live life without doing too much damage to ourselves and others. Most of all, I love that you’re still fat.

Thanks for completely pulling the rug out from underneath me and being there to comfort me after the fall. Let’s not lose touch again?

Always,
The Original
Queen Cobra

  Eli wrote @

Anuba kayong dalawa. Pwet nyo pareho.

Love you both though.

  The Pope wrote @

Tae.

Ang ganda ganda na ng emo moment, eh PWEH.

Love you, too, Eli.

*T


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: